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03 December 2015 @ 08:01 pm
Feelin' Weird  
So man oh man. I keep wanting to post this stuff to tumblr but at the same time I don't. But I need to get this feeling out in the open because it's happening and I'm alone and can't really talk to people. Will writing a post about it help? Probably not. But maybe it will. I just feel bad for all the personal posts on Tumblr some days. Also I know people don't really care. Doesn't really help but meh.

So I think my best paid month in Japan has been August? I got like $800 for my paycheck and I was so excited. I was like hmmm a little short of what I thought I was getting but I was like HECK YESSS. MONEYYY.

Let's skip to now. I think my last decent month just happened. Since starting I have lost 4 classes. So that's 2 classes every week I lost, 1 lesson that was twice a month and the listening class who was maybe once a month.

I did gain two classes. One was a 45 minute class and one is an hour class every week.

But Tuesday I've been informed that my 45 minute (every week) lesson doesn't want to come any more. Now she is 85ish years old. She took a 6 year break because she was diagnosed with cancer. But we've hit a chapter in her textbook (giving directions) which I can tell she's not a fan of. Which is why I tried to go through that chapter really quickly. I could tell she wasn't a fan. But she kept saying she was embarressed and I kept asking why? I think she's really good at English but her personality is just very. . . . dark? Like she's always complaining and sad about something. ALWAYS. So I feel bad because I wanna make her feel better. You came to my lesson to help out with it. But now she's saying she'll never use directions or travel overseas so why is she learning it and she's embarresing her husband because he knows more than her and it's just super sad. :< But she's dropped my lessons now. But I just looked at the schedule and her name is in green now not pink. Which means she's gone from my lesson to my bosses.

And now I'm just upset because if I keep losing classes I won't be able to afford anything. Hiroko takes 20% off my paycheck for taxes. And I don't get that back period. Usually in Canada if I were to pay that much (because of how little I made) I usually got it back. But not here.

So now I'm basically working to pay my rent. I always make sure my bills are paid first and that's usually $200ish. So it's not like I can go out and do fun things or travel around. I don't make enough. The shinkansen is like $250 for me to take any where. And that's the rest of my paycheck after bills.

So I'm kinda happy for the most part but I just don't make enough to do much around here. I can do a little shopping but most of my shopping is food for me. And trying to see what souveniers I can buy for people at home.

Like man the lack of money is making me super anxious. And if I want to eat and it's not a normal day (and sometimes I won't get called for lunch) then I have to go and buy more food. So man, my working holiday is more like working to be poor sometimes. I'm not the best money manager which also hurts a lot. =_= I'm trying to be better. I think I'd feel better if I had a slightly bigger paycheck than 500 or 600 to last me one month. I need more classes. Maybe get better at Japanese and then more people will come? I have no clue. I wish my earlier two lessons hadn't left. I saw one of the old schedules and Kwan was so busy before! I wish it was kinda the same. At least when I'd have break I could go do stuff.

So I'm anxious about money here and anxious about Janurary because my loans start coming out and I can't pay them back because I'm making way less than I thought I would be.

And I can't go get a second job because they're all in Tokyo and that's at least 3 hours of traveling and it's not worth it if I have to be back so soon anyways.

I'm losing my confidence out here. I just wanted to make some money and travel and do all this fun stuff. I've been restricted to Kanagawa mostly. I wanted to see Nara and Osaka and Hokkaido. I did get to do Okinawa I guess but I'm just feeling super bummed. And I miss home. I wanted to be home for Christmas and it looks like that's not happening. Just my anxiety and depression have stepped into overdrive here and it makes me sad.
Current Mood: sad